the thing that attracted me was not her lithe, limber form, the clear blue eyes …  it was the need for affirmation she exuded. It was the prelude to trust, a supplication for comfort, for strength. I was happy to provide it, partly because she made the process so easy, partly because it felt good to provide the affirmation, to feel strong, to feel trusted. I wanted to help. The ultimate expression of this sense of strength, of the ability to be trusted was the moment she undressed before me, the moment she laid herself bare and became vulnerable. I didnt join her, i maintained this veneer of dependability, i didnt become vulnerable, i played the part of disaffection. I have no doubt that my inability to open myself to this other person, even as i was inside her - that i treated this as a series of sensations rather than something i truly felt - made the coldness that filled me afterward inescapable, and the need to escape (the situation / being the man i didnt want to be) irrepressible.